Soda Jerks......Uggh

Found a kindred spirit out in the blogosphere, so I cut and paste a little something of interest. Because, seriously, who are these people who drink soda all the time, and can't we just ship'em all to an island?

"I’m finally off the Coke"

No, no, not that coke. This is a lot less glamorous, and less fun depending on one’s level of addiction. You, my friend, are rubbing shoulders with self admitted diet coke addicts everyday. The evidence is startling, something has to be done.

Consider Amanda Sanchez- a 29 year old working mother of two. Amanda admits to drinking at least 12 diet cokes a day. Diet Coke is her drug of choice. And once a week she shamefully goes to her local grocer to re-up, toting an extra buggy for those seven cases of Diet Coke. Amanda said she uses Diet Coke to “get her through the days.”

On a side note, it’s interesting how various media outlets like to give a little personal description of the person, much like the aforementioned 29 year old working mother of two. Who the fuck cares? I mean couldn’t you just replace that with 29 year old zilch? She’s a nobody. She’s getting ink for drinking 12 Diet Cokes a day, not for building a well in Zimbabwe as Robert Mugabe chases her around while riding a cheetah. Therefore I will revise the second paragraph.

Consider this zero, Amanda Sanchez. She drinks 12 Diet Cokes a day to keep her from crushing the left side of the menu at Taco Bell.

Amanda Sanchez

A Diet Coke lobbyist has stepped in on Amanda’s behalf, paying off the Immigration official in charge of her case. Her addiction has made Coca Cola Bottling Company recession proof.

Back to the lecture at hand, there are numerous reasons a Diet Coke addiction is formed. You have those who say, “I used to drink tons of Coke; decided I needed to lose weight, and switched to Diet Coke.” Classic case of transferring addictions. So dependent upon sugar and carbs (found in your favorite foods and abundant in regular Coke) you use Diet Coke to replace them. Now you’re slamming back 7 Diet Cokes to replace the 2 bags of Doritos, 3 Cokes and 3 snickers you would have crushed during “snack time.” Sometimes they slip up though. When I worked at a restaurant, I’d loathe these lard consuming disasters that would come in and order a bacon cheeseburger, fries and….you guessed it…a mf Diet Coke. Really? You’re making a healthy choice huh?

Secondly, there is a large contingent who have used to Diet Coke as a “healthier” way to fuel their caffeine addiction. Either too much coffee or a general distaste for the java family has driven many coeds to pick up Diet Coke in order to stay awake to study for the exam given by your professor who has 38 years of ear wax build up and suit jackets that belong on an AIDS quilt.

One blogger is quoted as saying, “Back in undergrad, my diet coke pace was around 6-8 cans a day and I quit cold turkey.”

“I quit cold turkey,” are we talking about heroin here? No, just Diet Coke, it's that fucking serious MAN. You do not want to get hooked on that stuff. Did you have the shakes when you were coming off that stuff? Get chills? Coming off a serious addiction is tough, ask James Frey for the honest truth.

Finally there is the learned addiction. Unfortunately this is a gender specific addiction. Women use Diet Coke to keep from eating, so they won’t get fat, so that people will like them. This idea goes hand in hand with the Parisian model that constantly smokes (and snorts various mind altering powders) to suppress her appetite, in order to appear totally emaciated for that next shoot. Fast forward two months and you have women all over the globe green with envy (seriously) when they see that very Parisian model in the new Christian Lacroix. But where o where is the addiction learned from? From dear old mum. When a teen sees mom invariably clutching that Diet Coke in concert with two skipped meals a day, she’s hooked. Not only does the young teen start to emulate the behavior, she also fits into the size zero dress that she borrowed from mom.

Ladies want to know, how do I get a body like that? Simple, more Diet Coke, bitch.

Folks, trade the no guilt, zero calorie, fizzed delight for a raging addiction if you so choose. But this whole Diet Coke addiction phenomenon has gone too far as far as I’m concerned. Its not really going to kill you or anything, it’s just weird. But I’m willing to help all of you fighting this epidemic. I’m taking a stand, I hope you will too. Ever notice how Diet Coke is always, and I mean always, capitalized? Its not diet coke, or Diet coke, its Diet Coke. Both first letters capitalized, which is almost as pretentious as those people who use an initial in their name (see M. Night Shyamalan, ps your movies are fecal matter). It has even reached Bill Gates; MSWord auto corrected my key strokes and capitalized both words. That tells me we’re putting Diet Coke on the same level as Monday, January and Queen Elizabeth. Choose for yourself the elements of style with which you choose to write, but I will no longer stand around

and give this can of enslavement the capitalized treatment it has forced upon us since 1982.

Take your can of zero calorie nothing and shove it up your fart box.

Stand with me in the fight against addiction and call it diet coke, all letters lower case.

This one’s for you Amanda:

diet coke

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Bravo!