Overheard (unfortunately) At The Office

Yes, you hear many things at work. Some more disturbing than others. For example, here are some of the things that I've had the pleasure of hearing recently.

On Politics

"Is it AIG or AGI or whatever they're called? They get bonuses for being bad, but we might not get'em for being good. That ain't right folks."

On Co-workers

"That damn motherfucker needs to get the hell out of my office, he won't shut the fuck up" (mumbled under the breath)

"I've worked here over twenty years and that fucking son of a bitch can't remember my name last name during a meeting. Fuck you, buddy."

Oh Really?

"Well, I don't think anyone around here respects me." (said as he tries to to wipe off tomato soup stains that happened to dribble down his shirt during lunch)

Context Free Highlight

"Well I came home and after 14 hours, there was diarrhea everywhere. And then, after that, vomit!"

On Sex

"Well, if a sexless marriage means having sex less than ten times a year, then I've been in a damn sexless marriage for over 20 years."

"I mean, if I'm 17 or 18, and some hot, or even sort of good looking 23 year old wanted to mess up the sheets with me, well buddy, I'd be all over that."

"I'm fat. Hell, my wife's fat. Imagine both of us rocking and rolling, fat flying everywhere. Once we get moving, it's not pretty."

"It's kind of hard to, you know, be with your wife when you've got teenagers in the house. I mean, we can't exactly both fit in the shower anymore."

"Yeah, they apparently were doing some of this" (at this point he makes a hand gesture that I'll lead you through: Take your left hand and put it as if you're making "prayer" hands, vertical, out in front of your chin/chest. Take your right hand, and place it at a 45 degree angle, pointing down with your palms together. Curl your right wrist back, so that you've placed the very bottom of your right palm and beginning of the inside of your right wrist into your left palm. Then sort of clap, in a gross, this-is-what-sex-is-like sort of way. You know you're doing it right, when you're audience shudders and winces. Feel free to make noises if audience isn't getting it.)

On Pop Culture

"American Idol? No honey, I watch Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Stars, and Celebrity Apprentice. That's it."

On Literature

"I don't really read books."

On Movies

"I mean, who has heard of any of any of the movies for best picture? I guess I know what that slumdog one is, but I've never heard of any of the other ones. What did I see this weekend? He's Just Not That In To You. It was great!"

On Music

"I haven't heard of a single band you just named. But I do like Savage Garden. My wife got me their greatest hits."

On Fine Dining

"You absolutely must try Mellow Mushroom's tortilla soup. It. Is. To die for."

"I don't know nothing about almonds slices or little nuts or whatever was in those green beans. I don't like that."